


Guillermo the Great

by possibilityleft



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Character Turned Into Vampire, Dialogue Heavy, Documentary style, Extra Treat, Gen, Poor Guillermo, Post S2e10, Vampires Being Idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27075820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/possibilityleft/pseuds/possibilityleft
Summary: The aftermath of S02E10.  After the events at the theater, the vampires go home and make another questionable decision.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz & Colin Robinson, Guillermo de la Cruz & Nadja, Guillermo de la Cruz & Nandor the Relentless, Guillermo de la Cruz & Sam, Laszlo Cravensworth & Guillermo de la Cruz
Comments: 14
Kudos: 23
Collections: Trick or Treat Exchange 2020





	Guillermo the Great

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cookinguptales](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookinguptales/gifts).



"The important thing is," Laszlo said, adjusting his shirt sleeves fussily, "that we thought it was a good idea at the time. Kind of like a reward, really."

*

"I mean, they were about to chop all of our heads off using a very elaborate machine," Nadja said, her hands in her lap, her voice sincere. "We would not have enjoyed it."

*

Nandor's eyes were dark, bright, and nostalgic. "Honestly, it reminded me of conquering. Smelling that much blood just takes me right back. Right back." He sighed.

*

Guillermo shrugged. "So, uh. After the incident." He shrugged and scratched the back of his head. "I don't know, I thought they'd be mad, but they just acted like they'd known all along. And then we left the theater and went home. To their house, I mean."

He hesitated. "And I talked to Nandor, and he said, well, he had an idea on how to cure me. Of being a vampire hunter."

He broke into a broad smile, showing off his brand new fangs. Then he lowered his voice and leaned forward.

"I didn't tell them about Blade," he whispered.

*

"Fortunately, Gizmo agreed to stay until we could hire a new familiar," Laszlo said. "Since he was putting us quite out, we agreed to the favor. So we've been interviewing a few weeks now, and in the meantime, he's doing his usual stuff, except not during the day, so mostly the easy stuff like burying and finding new victims."

As he walked out of the room, Guillermo was at the front door, motioning in some humans, who were looking around with interest.

"Welcome to the haunted house tour!" Guillermo said to the humans. He was wearing a shiny black Dracula cape over a white shirt. He winked at the camera. "Gotta look the part."

*

"But now that he's a vampire, there's nothing but complaining," Nadja said, rolling her eyes. "I can't go into the sunlight, Nadja. I can't go to the post office, Nadja. How am I supposed to receive my correspondence?" She pouted.

"Why does a vampire even need a post office box?" Guillermo asked her from where he was standing behind the couch she was sprawled on. There was a splatter of blood on his collar that he was working on with his Tide pen.

"I can't give my fans my home address!" Nadja insisted. Guillermo rolled his eyes.

"He does that a lot now too," Nadja said, pursing her lips. "Disrespectful."

"I'm not your familiar anymore, Nadja," Guillermo said.

"Debatable," Nadja mumbled.

*

"The interviews are taking longer than I thought they would," Guillermo said. "I mean, obviously I was able to come up with a job description." He held up a piece of paper, covered in text, and then held up a second page, also full of text.

"But finding people who are actually qualified and want to work for vampires has been difficult. I did like this older woman I'd found who'd been an executive assistant, but Colin bored her to death." He frowned.

*

"I didn't bore her to death," Colin said. "I started chatting with her about dry cleaning, and then, coincidentally, her body failed." He shrugged. "Happens all the time. I didn't even get a good taste." He made a face. "Guillermo made me leave her at a bus stop. He's getting kind of presumptuous, if you ask me."

*

"I kind of forgot to bring the mini-fridge back for Mama, what with everything else that was going on. And then I was sleeping the sleep of the dead when she called me like a hundred times, because she thought I got run over by a bus. So I don't know why, but she decided to come all the way out here. _And Nadja tried to eat her!_ I mean, I made her stop -- and I didn't kill anybody -- but my mom was pretty upset. She made the sign of the cross at me and told me not to come back home." He pressed his palms flat onto his khakis, his eyebrows furrowed.

"I expected," he said eventually, "to outlive my friends and family. That comes with the territory, you know? But I didn't expect something like this."

He wiped his arm across his eyes. "Dementia. Cancer. Old age," he said. "You know, like... I'd see it coming."

He sighed. "I did not expect that my mom would be calling me a devil."

*

"How was I supposed to know that was someone's mom?" Nadja protested. "I mean, that's what she tasted like. Bleh. Definitely not a virgin, but don't tell Guillermo that."

Laszlo gave her a confused look.

"Anyway I'm just saying it could happen to anyone." She waved a hand. "It's not like I ask every victim their name. Oh, you're Mrs. Guillermo's mom, I won't eat you. That's not how this works."

"Did you forget his last name again?" Laszlo asked.

"I did not," Nadja protested. "It's Buillermo."

"That sounds right," Laszlo said, nodding.

*

Guillermo slammed his suitcase shut with a snap.

"So that's why I'm moving in with Sam," he concluded. "I feel like that's a step forward for both of us."

Sam had been curled up on top of Guillermo's coffin. He rose and stretched and jumped down to the floor. Guillermo followed him out.

"Goodbye forever," he said sulkily to the empty hallway. Sam meowed.

"You're right," Guillermo said to him. They made their way to the front door. Nadja's ghost doll was sitting on a bench near the door. She waved at him.

"You'll be back," she said cheerfully, and Guillermo slammed the door behind him.


End file.
